Extreme Physical Education Training
by samtana
Summary: Something insane. Don't read if you take things too seriously.


I make fun of a lot of things here. You asked for it. Oh, wait. No you didn't.

Warning: Quite dirty, though nothing overtly explicit. Enough dirt to elicit some nasty reviews. I don't mind. Be honest.

I used to own Avatar. Oh, wait. No I didn't.

**Extreme Physical Education – Or: What To Do When Approached Voluptuously By Emphatic Naked Women**

They, the three of them, were gathered somewhere in the forest. It was the least distracting place Iroh could think of. His nephew and the arrow-headed boy sat next to each other, eyes on the wise old man. Aang smiled pleasantly, his thumbs twiddling idly in his lap. Zuko was slumped over, his fist propping his chin up, his eyelids losing strength by the second. In the background was the babbling of a nearby brook, which Iroh reasoned would soothe the young men's minds, setting a relaxing tone for the unavoidable discussion that awaited them.

"So," said Aang, breaking Iroh's nature-induced trance. "What did you need to talk to us about? I need to go practice waterbending."

Iroh stroked his beard and paced in front of the mismatched pair. "I assure you, it is of the utmost importance that I speak to you today. Saving the world is only secondary in comparison to the matter we must address now."

"What are you babbling about?" mumbled Zuko, rolling his eyes.

"The most important thing you will ever need to know," answered Iroh, facing them authoritatively, "seeing that you will soon be the new Fire Lord, and you are the avatar, not to mention that you are both reaching the right age."

"The right age?" asked Aang.

Zuko groaned and dropped his arm from under his chin, letting his head fall. "Uncle…" he moaned.

"Hey!" Iroh barked at his nephew. "This is no light matter! It is time for your Extreme Physical Education training." He ended the last word dramatically, hoping that somehow his tone of voice would propel Zuko and the confused airbender into enthusiastic action.

"What's Extreme Physical Education training?" asked Aang.

"Tell me, young avatar," said Iroh, "do you know what to do when approached voluptuously by emphatic naked women?"

Aang's body jerked into a rigid state resembling a plank of wood.

"Uncle…" groaned Zuko again, his hand over his eyes.

"They do that?" said Aang, horrified. "And what does 'voluptuously' mean?"

"Trust me," said Iroh. "I speak from personal experience when I say that war heroes receive special treatment from women on a regular basis. One must be prepared to capitalize on each and every occasion."

Zuko's neck snapped up to could glare at his uncle. "Uncle!" he shrieked. "You don't have to tell us about that!"

"In no time at all, naked women will be throwing themselves in front of your irresistible bodies wherever you go," continued Iroh, ignoring Zuko's outburst. "And you must know how to properly take advantage of the situation."

Zuko aimed his eyes at the sky, muttering veiled vulgarisms to himself.

"Take advantage?" asked Aang. "You mean by buying them clothes?"

Iroh stared blankly at the bald monk, judging to see if he was actually serious. Aang stared back blankly. "No," Iroh said finally.

"Just shut up and listen," Zuko whispered to Aang. "It'll be over faster that way."

Aang nodded, still confused.

"Soon, very soon indeed," said Uncle Iroh, resuming his pacing, "You'll see so many naked women careening towards you that you'll think someone in a tree was shooting them at you with a slingshot. And when that comet of searing hot feminine flesh barrages you, appropriate preparation is key. Here, this chart should help explain things."

Iroh unrolled a scroll from his pocket. Zuko threw up on his foot and Aang blocked his eyes with both arms, yelping from mental agony. Birds cawed as they maniacally flew from the sight, platypus bears knocked over trees in their frenzied flight, and there was a solar eclipse as the sun tried to blot out the image.

"This was drawn of me when I was preparing for my siege of Ba Sing Se," said Iroh proudly, failing to notice the distress all around him. "It was a day in which no less than four naked women collapsed on me like an avalanche of cascading love."

"Put it away…" gasped Aang, reeling on the ground as Zuko wretched. "Put it away…"

Meanwhile, over by the quietly babbling brook, Katara stopped practicing her waterbending, distracted by what sounded like a wailing bird whose voice box had been defective since birth. She worked her clothes back on and waded back to the riverbed.

"What do you think that is?" asked Katara.

Toph jammed her finger up her nose. "Sounds like what happened when Zuko accidentally saw Suki's birthmark."

Katara blushed. "Oh. So something of that nature." She tried to change the subject. "Do you want to talk about something girly?"

Toph snorted and spat on the floor. "Nope."

Katara sighed. "Me neither. I don't even know why I brought it up."

"Aang is rolling on the floor like a wounded animal," said Toph.

Katara gasped. "Zuko's attacking him! I knew we couldn't trust him!" she made to run off into the forest, but Toph grabbed her by the arm.

"I don't think that'll be necessary," she said. "Zuko feels like he's in a lot of pain, too."

"Then what…?"

Iroh closed the scroll, surveying his two students below. Zuko was still sobbing, his breathing broken, the word, "Mommy," leaking out with each tormented breath. Aang was just finishing throwing punches and kicks into the earth, his knuckles bruised nearly to the point of bleeding.

Iroh smiled. "I think this went well," he said to himself.

"Is it over?" said Aang weakly, rolling onto his back and letting his breath slow down.

Iroh laughed. "Oh, no. That was just day one."

Zuko and Aang turned, the terror evident on their faces. "How many days are there?" asked Zuko softly.

Iroh counted on his fingers. "Three, I think."

Aang turned to face Zuko, the two faces mirroring relief. "I guess that's not so bad," said Aang.

"Wait," said Iroh. "Did you say 'days' or 'years?'"

Zuko and Aang turned again to face the deranged ex-womanizer. Zuko keeled over, making sure to empty everything in his stomach. Aang collapsed dismally to the floor and hung his head.

Iroh smiled gleefully and turned to go. "See you tomorrow!"

"Wait!" called Aang, his voice desperate. Iroh turned to face him. "But I don't want to, you know, do all that stuff with the rope and alcohol. I just want to spend time with the girls I care the most about. Love and affection are the most important parts, don't you think so, Zuko?"

Zuko sat up and wiped his mouth off. "He's right. I've already got a girlfriend. I don't want to deal with your strange fantasies."

Now it was Iroh's turn to give the confused glare, a glare that teetered between perplexion and anger. "Are you two crazy?" he exclaimed. "You have the chance of a lifetime to sink your youthful fingers into the firm yet supple flesh of random stunningly beautiful women! How could you refuse? And you, Mr. Avatar, you have a duty to repopulate the airbenders! To do that, you'll need to spread your manly sensuality to enough women to fill Ba Sing Se! How could you refuse to jump on the hoards of naked women who undoubtedly soon will be forcing their hips under yours?"

"I just want one forever girl," said Aang simply.

"Me, too," said Zuko.

Iroh growled menacingly at them, then turned haughtily to go. "I can't help it if neither of you two have any sense. You both fail!" He stormed out of the clearing, fire flowing from his nose with each breath.

Aang turned to Zuko, relief and exhaustion intermingling on his face. "I hope I can get those images out of my head by the time I need to save the world," he said.

"I hope to have those images out of my head by the time I'm dead," said Zuko.

In silence, they let everything sink in, then, at the same time, shook their heads sadly, like victims who only had in common a shared tragedy. Promptly they turned and threw up over their shoulders.

In the distance there was the rustling of leaves in what sounded like the struggle of a band of woodland critters. There was the sound of Suki's distressed voice, scolding what seemed to be a group of giggling schoolgirls.

"I don't know where you came from, Koko, girl with the braids, and two random Earth Kingdom ladies," she was yelling, "but you all need to put your clothes back on right now!"

"Let go of me!" cried Meng.

Zuko gulped and turned to Aang. "Run?" he said.

Aang nodded. "Run."

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Katara: Aang, you can take off the blindfold now. We're waterbending, not earthbending.

Aang: Trust me, Katara. It's easier this way.

Katara: I don't understand. What's easier about it?

Aang: I just don't think I can look at you, or any other girl, for a little while. That's all.

Katara: And what's wrong with looking at a girl?!

Zuko: Just trust him, Katara. Really.

Katara: You, too? What's with all the blindfolds? I could be dancing naked and neither of you would even know!

Zuko [screaming]: It's beginning! It's beginning! [runs off flailing arms wildly]

_Fine_

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So this was basically one big dirty joke. Yeah, sorry. My first time writing for Iroh, too. I was originally going to have Iroh teach a class on Avatar-style romance, but there are so many stories like that already, though there are a lot of stories like this, too. The most important part of this, for me, is Aang and Zuko staying true to their beloveds, (no matter who you "ship") vowing a commitment to secure emotional love rather than lonely physical satisfaction. I truly think that's what they'd do.

I laugh thinking that Iroh's scroll could have displayed images from the over-the-top rated M fan fictions. Yeah, those mostly don't fit Aang's or Zuko's style, if you ask me.

-samtana


End file.
